how can they have so many varieties but not one alligator. you'd think out of 80 different tiny stuffed animals they'd have one. thinking of 80 animals that would make it in the world as a stuffed animal has to be a little difficult? what about the little girl on john and kate plus 8 who loved alligators? she should have made alligator stuffed toys more famous because she, i guess, is famous. there's nothing i can do because i am, in no way, famous. i've only found two since i gave you that name, but maybe it gives me something to look forward to. maybe.

why am i always warm? always warmer than other people? always the one in a tank top and shorts with the window open while outside it's snowing. spending my time with someone quite the opposite, but they bear with it. extra layers. it's an unspoken way of saying they love me. i tell myself that. but i'm starting to realize there are too many unspoken things that may not be what i think they are at all.

my days consist of something i've always been afraid of. routine. lately it's been: wake up. let a bitter pill dissolve under my tongue that makes me hate everything orange flavored. it's supposed to keep the opiates away. go to the diner. i'm addicted to caffeine. and suppressing my appetite. go to rite aid. i'm learning the ways of the wellness cards. they had gatorade for 88 cents for awhile. fruit punch for him. low calorie fruit punch for me. i can't stomach the taste of regular red gatorade anymore. or the smell. ever since... come home. update the too many sites that i have. find my other half and try to talk to him. put a tv show on when that fails. take some more pills. get depressed because i know the next day will bring the same.

i don't want to be a liar. i can't say i hate liars because i don't hate people. i hate lies. they are the worst thing, i think, in the world. i came to you and told you that i had lied because i was getting butterflies that were bad in my stomach when it was just you and i sitting next to each other. my head couldn't touch your shoulder without it feeling wrong. you said you lost all the trust that you had in me and i know you had a lot. i also know you hold things in so there could be a tornado brewing inside you that will come out when i'm least expecting it. i've grown to love you so much.

eavesdropping. that's what i do. i don't leave my room while people are here. i hear them call me the weirdo upstairs. today i heard closet monkey. i'm sorry. it's not that i don't like you. it's just that i don't drink and i don't associate with people like the people who live around here for pleasure. if i have to i will.

i have to write my friend back. it's just been so hard. i delve too deep into the messages and all the words leave my brain and i can't reply. not because i don't want to. but because i can never measure up to what is written to me. i'm flattered that you even take the time to write me such a long message.

rabbits.

i'm lonely. and i'm bored. i can't really say that i am unhappy. it's been awhile since i've been able to say that. so i guess that's ok.