raphael you know just how to take me in the swimming pool / like a child being baptized beneath a starry sky we lie / drowning in your watery thighs / luscious eyes cocorosie

"combustible"

backspace 

backspace

back and forth

spontaneous combustion 

fight or flight 

flee

because fire usually wins 

i need a lighter

cliches, pet names, and the thrill of the chase

i have words in my head but it feels like they're behind a dam and it's making my bones feel too big for my body

does anyone still read this?

is anyone there? hello hello?

leave a comment with a word or phrase and i will try write to about it.

because i am very unoriginal and need

my hand held through most things.

i know i've said that before but i'm lazy and bad at commitment.

i'll tell you about my day if you'll listen

"does clorox make your insides glisten?"

no.

you're a pox on this town, a cold sore hidden with chanel lipstick worn by these suburban wives you're always surrounded by 

"you're house is the most ghetto on the block"

i snuck a couple extra for good measure and to keep me awake until inappropriate hours visiting lines and sonnet by a boy who is thought to be long forgotten and i will have to tell you that he is to sneak into your bed at night only to find you sweating out fine wine and spirits and opiate antagonists the sunlight is harsh there but your breathing is even and i fold into myself then a rat appears in your kitchen skip the fast paced song for "i just had to die" and heave your being into the closest porcelain toilet bowl the people i am closest to lie about their age when i first meet them and i have been the same age since my dad was put into the ground and every year that i can't drive myself to lay out flowers or down the street to buy cigarettes that you work so i can smoke do i have the same genes will that infliction come for me

i'm not asleep yet am i keeping you

up

i have to turn around and pull myself back around 

where was i

in your bed in your mouth in a crumpled ball behind the couch 

did i ever tell you that the women my dad took to be my new mother spit in my face when i was little and every time i see your taillights i'm wiping my preteen hand across my face over and over 

are you still sleeping or have i disturbed you 

i am afraid to stop because i am afraid what will come after i tell you to read this and i ask you what time it is in alaska and tell you that my phone won't capitalize i's anymore from pawing at your phone from four hours apart 

when you lose yourself in a fairytale in the middle of the night is it still considered a daydream? a silver tooth keeps time around my neck and the ghosts are at it again

i forgot the information to sign into the new blog i made
all signs point to staying here

Hey everyone.

I moved my blog to sisterwithteeth.blogspot.com
-Christina

it's a very small movement your head has to make but big enough to make the hair on your arms that's so unattractive stand up like soldiers at attention who will never come home then down they go again and down your throat that taste that makes it easier to scribble or take a cock

what is this that is all so vile like silk worms in my brain turned black like the hair on my head my grandma doesn't believe is mine my mother is filipino what other color should it be

someone call a priest who can exorcise this thing from me someone call the hospital check if they have a bed that's free

I woke up
I started crying and
I didn't stop
Took pills all day with your nasty
city's water
I started early and
I didn't stop
I guess the water here is better tasting than the water in Philly

your side of the bed is
heated but too hot for me
but mine is too cold
will i ever figure out these
things
maybe find a middle ground

your back is to me but that's how
i like it
don't touch me while i am trying
to sleep

when i am feeling dumb
when i am feeling small i use
lowercase letters where capitals
should be
when i am feeling inadequate
when i am feeling sorry i use
abbreviations
idk
wtf
it makes me look stupid
i have created this person
who is stupid
i have created this persona
who is more stupid than i
i have lost touch with who i am
i have forgotten i am a human
i have forgotten they are human
i have forgotten how to live

again

there is so much to say
it is stuck

prick me with pins
sic your dogs on me

my grandma asked if you mind
if i smell like cigarette smoke
do my clothes smell like smoke
does my mouth smell like smoke
does it taste like ash
i told her you smoke too but only
sometimes
and always only out of my pack

it has been awhile since
i've written maybe
awhile for me can be two days or
two weeks it doesn't matter anymore
time moves so slowly
and i watch either content in a haze
or in a haze of white hot rage
wow that was dumb as fuck

anyway what should i write about

today in a cafe a really nice boy overhead me say i was jealous
of my grandma's coffee and asked
why i couldn't have any
i told him the caffeine makes my
anxiety worse
he brought me a mug of chamomile
tea and a bottle of lavender honey
and said
"here you go peter rabbit"
it is moments like that that touch me
the honey had a real sprig of
lavender in it
my grandma said she thought he
"fancied me"
i told her he was gay

i found a pair of boots i like
i think i will get them tomorrow

i gave him my sweater because it matched his last name a cross right side up some said it is upside down
he gave me something to dissolve
under my tongue a bitter taste a
familiar taste

i have some notes i wrote last night
tonight they seem insignificant or
even childish

childish seems to be a running theme
these days

a rose for my grandmother
i will keep it for myself
you need to stop i need to stop
it will ravage your small frame
as it did mine
but will the needle beckon

i forget but i will be back

can you tell
can you tell
can you fucking tell

get this girls picture out of my face
along with any other picture that
R
resembles it
or her
with her wild eyebrows that almost
meet in the middle
to make one
like a halo above the eyes
the way she looks like a doe
a fawn even
what in the fuck is a fawn
are you the reason that she cut
herself or did you cut her
the way you cut me
a perfect girl
a perfect boy who could pass as a
girl
she was a little fat though
the time i was naked next to her
i noticed she was a little fat

i do not think that i was done with
that last post but maybe i was
maybe just maybe you can tell me

oh the clock on the wall does move
but it is very slow
clocks that are lagging slow broken even
they can make me sad but what is time

i am old
my hair is knotted and smells
but i pin it up to go buy cigarettes
and the man asks me if i am 14
i scowl
that's how old i should be
considering..

considering what
i don't know
maybe you can tell me