Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I walk with a hunch. My shoulders twist. My hands grip and scratch at my sternum. I need my ribs to crack back into place.

Please.

I need air. My palms are too sweaty to grip anything except the edge of the sink. My legs and hands feel locked up like they did the first time I had pure cocaine.

I feel a wave of warmth that starts at the crown of my head and travels swiftly to the tips of my toes. The room I am in does not exist for a few minutes as i am totally disconnected from any sense of reality. For no reason. Fight or flee does not exist. All these symptoms rock my tiny body all at once with such force i'm sure one day I will split open.

Panic disorder.

"What causes them?" they ask.
Absolutely nothing.
"It has to be something." they insist.
I assure you there is not.


TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

Take me to the hospital.

Begging and begging through tingling lips, my teeth clenched, my face numb with fear I don't understand. I don't understand what is happening. I am dying. This is the attack that will finally kill me..

Take me to the hospital....

A year ago on a table covered in white paper I said what I thought to be my last words to a god I didn't know if i believed in. 150 beats per minute. Resting state. 150 beats a minute lying still waiting for the nurse to take the wires off me.

Pills were then shoved in my hand. My shaking body was shoved out the hospital doors. No explanation.

Klonopin, Ativan.
Ativan, Klonopin.

"Dependency can occur. Use with care and when needed."

I already beat a few addictions. I don't need want another one. Too fucking late. I am too scared to be without my medicines.

A body can only turn on itself so many times.

"No one has ever died from a panic attack."
Physically? maybe not. Been permanently damaged? Yes.

I know people suffer these same things. A couple of you reading right now even. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not like, "oh, woe is me." I am looking for answers.

What i do know is that i would not wish this on my very worst enemy

because..

It is my worst enemy.

These are called benzodiazipine ramblings. This is what happens after I calm down. After I am dried out. After I convince myself I will not pass away in my sleep.

If i should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

2 comments:

Stephanie C said...

Run. I am dead serious. Exercise vigorously. It will sooth you like no other. Go on long runs, sweat, get out of breath, until your muscles can't no more. The best therapy on earth.

Ashlie said...

i have ativan. lots of ativan. i refuse to take it. i have also already had too many addictions. i try to meditate/pray, i close my eyes and focus all of my thoughts and energy into a tiny pinhole of light until i imagine myself being enveloped by the same white light. i am safe.

i can't tell you how many nights i prayed that god would take me away.